An open letter to everyone.

To the other BRICS countries: We have been participating in ‘Stokvels’ for far longer than you. Mess around with us at your own peril. We have allies we can call if you ‘eat’ our money. To the Russians, Chinese and Indians we know someone in North Korea with chemical toys. To the Brazilian fellows we know a certain footballer from Uruguay. Cooperate or we will send him there, without a mouth guard.

To all the beautiful women: Ladies you can afford to be less proud of your looks. At times one would think you worked really hard for your aesthetically alluring appearance. Truth is you just swam the fastest and attached yourself to an egg. That does not make you better than everyone else…just more beautiful!

To the fellow with 15 girlfriends: Those girls do love you and they are not cheating on you. It has nothing to do with your money or your penchant for sushi. I mean they all have Proudly South African seafood at home, Lucky Star Pilchards.

To the Democratic Alliance: Someone once said “History belongs to those who write it”. We can know extend this to “History belongs to those who write it, Photoshop photos and update their Twitter statuses about their liberation credentials”. Amandla comrade Hellen. MK salute to you soldier of the movement, freedom fighter extraordinaire.

To every unemployed graduate: If you cannot find a job try to create one or two or three. I know this is easier said however if you and five other unemployed graduates used the skills you had acquired and started a Small, Medium and/or Micro-sized Enterprise you could be employers, CEOs, shareholders: from pilchards to sushi. Or you could just wait for the ANC-led government to decide whether to call it a Youth Wage subsidy or Job Seekers grant. Sick people I tell you. Don’t quote me the Protection of Information bill has been passed.

To everyone who is giving Dr Ramphele beef, or water buffalo or donkey for starting AGANG SA: If you do not like it start your own political party. I mean how many countries can brag about having a doctor who started a gang?

To everyone with a TopTv decoder: We know!

Last but not least, to you reading this and thinking what a load of crap: I have nothing for you this month, try again next month. You know after the whole Boston Bomb thing I had my pen and paper ready to write about a copycat bombing at the Comrades Marathon but then the petrol price went up for the umpteenth time. Moral of the story the main ingredient in a petrol bomb is now unattainable.

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