A commoner’s guide to appointing ministers

As we approach the elections I present to you alternative criteria for selecting ministers in the new cabinet. We are exasperated with the current selection criteria (popularly referred to as cadre deployment). It has brought us the (dis)honourable Dina Pule, who used our cash to indulge her boyfriend with an around the world trip. We have had to watch on as Fikile Mbalula munificently awarded our tax money to a team that lost in the CAF champions league because he was proud of their performance There was also that whole Beyonce fiasco. To quote footballer Lerato Chabangu, “Mbalula is a bunch of a loser”. What of the Minister of State Security whose own wife was convicted of drug trafficking? It is time for change. Comrades, citizens, fighters and democrats vote for whoever you want, or spoil your ballot, or rather enjoy the public holiday by staying at home, but allow me the chance to prescribe how we appoint ministers.

President: Must be able to sing, shake hands with other dignitaries and angrily rebuke anyone who commits the treasonous act of accusing the president of any misdoing.

Deputy President: Must be forgettable, be available to head committees set up to review the findings of commissions of inquiry. NB: Potential candidates cannot be better at singing and handshaking then the president-elect.

Minister of Finance: The appointed candidate must have a positive bank balance, excellent credit record and have very few friends. Must be a loyal and reliable Stokvel member.  The candidate must not be currently blacklisted.

Minister of Transport: Must have a Code 14 driver’s licence. An eye test will be completed instead of the boring old constitutional oath.

Minister of Women, Youth, Children and people with disabilities: Must be a woman of child bearing age with at least one disability, preferably not an intellectual disability. We will not discriminate on the basis of race, sexual orientation or religion.

Minister of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries: Candidates will be asked to recite a poem explaining why it is better to teach a man how to fish than to give man fish. Candidates will also be asked to write a paper discussing the following: If money does not grow on trees where is that paper-like substance that Madiba’s face is printed on acquired from?   

Minister of Arts and culture: The candidate must be able to spell the word: hymn. Must not be a better singer, of any hymn, than the president-elect.

Minister of Sports: The candidate must be able to beat FC Barcelona with Arsenal FC on FIFA 14, with the game difficulty set to legend.

Minister of Water and Environmental Affairs: Must be able to write a 2000 page essay contrasting spring and mineral water.

Minister of Home Affairs: Must have an original South African identity document. The candidate must be able to recount the names of all the border posts, without peeking at a cue card.

Minister of Health: Must have worked at a hospital. The candidate must be familiar with the scientific names of the first line of antiretroviral pharmaceuticals.

Minister of Basic Education: Can spell, read and write. The candidate must have a Code 10 driver’s licence for the purposes of delivering textbooks.

Minister of Higher education: Can write a 3000 word critical essay on the similarities and differences between communism, socialism and capitalism. The candidate must have attended an institution of higher learning.

Minister of Correctional Services: The candidate must not have a criminal record.

Minister of Human Settlements: A suitable candidate ought to be able to deliver the following phrase with a straight face: “Housing opportunities”.

Minister of State Security: Must at least know the security code to his/her partner’s cellular phone.

Minister of Energy: The selected candidate must be able to dance to “Wuyu Wuyu Y-Tjukutja” without letting the energy subside.


All candidates must be skilled in the art of creating acronyms that have a life span of 5 years.




Honey Pot (Manna from taxpayers).


People be hating on Pres. JZ like he votes himself into power…


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