An open letter to everyone: All protocol observed.

Sale! Sale! Sale!

I hate sales. Not sales as a profession, if you can call it that, but sales the illusory facade of selling goods at supposedly reduced prices. If you suddenly gift me R60 free MTN-to-MTN airtime it tells me you have been relentlessly bankrupting me when you can make a handsome profit at half the cost. Similarly if you suddenly sell 2 litre Coke at R12 instead of R18 it means it probably costs you R5 to produce it and you are an acidic extortionist.

Forthcoming Matric results!

I saw a very cool Matric jacket, in the streets of Harding, with the Whatsapp-esque by-line ‘Last seen .12.2014’. For obvious reasons matriculants from that school dare not fail. After years of deliberations, pontificating, discussions, negotiations and persuasion the powers that be have reached a rather innocuous decision. Grade 12 results will still grace national newspapers, on the 6th of January 2015, but the learners ID numbers will replace the usual display of learner names. No more rolling on the floor while marvelling at the fact that Cijimpi Ngobe obtained As in IsiZulu and History or Doctor Mkhize passed with a symbol that only allows for further study at an FET college. Should we now bribe Home Affairs officials for the ID numbers of our ‘cousins’? Knowing Home Affairs’ unremitting incompetence we will not be surprised if learners from the same school discover they share ID numbers. I recently heard that learners who pass with a symbol H are teased for having merely passed with ‘’amapali eRugby”. President Number 01 must do something about this, wait, what am I saying?  #NVM

!ke e: /xarra //ke

I admire and applaud people who speak their home languages when interviewed. My favourite interviewees in this regard are Mulomowandawu Mathoho, Jacob Gedleyihlekisa (badly needs the good press) Zuma, Ronaldo Luis Nazario de Lima and Queen Elizabeth.

Food must take a chill pill

I take issue with the food we are sold these days. Milk no longer turns into maas, it lives a long life. Unimaginably some companies have the audacity to sell some substance they call honey. Said substance has an expiry date. Then there is food that comes with instructions. Refrigerate after opening: Makes one want to tell that yoghurt carton to, firstly, stop being rude and say please and, secondly, inform it that you do not have a fridge. Why are you selling me a pack of 64 viennas that dictates “consume within 7 days”. Must I consume 9.143 viennas a day for a week? For some reason this reminds me of the EFF MP who used the word fuggery in parliament. Yazi mina angazi! What are the fighters of the much touted ‘Government-in- waiting’ reading? Karma Sutra: The Hip Hop remake by Snoop Dogg, or Snoop Lion, or whatever creature he is debasing these days?

Welfare state is ill begotten

If one is ‘lucky’ from one month of age to their 18th birthday they will receive a grant purely for existing. A NSFAS loan will support them through the first degree (even if this is completed in a stint as long as Debora Patta’s on 3rd degree). But that’s not enough now we are hearing rumours of cash for hymen intactness. Who is going to be doing the checking? I work at a hospital and I do not think we have the capacity to be checking thousands of young maidens on a monthly basis. If we don’t check fraudsters will be Fornicating Under Consent of King Z#MA and fraudulently accepting the hymen payments. No! Nkandla’s Amphitheatre cannot be converted to a theatre for such checkups. Mama K will get confused by the #Pap_Smear #TuckShop_Pap. Give birth and receive a grant or remain a virgin and get a monetary incentive. Decisions, decisions, decisions!

To the reader

To you reading this hogwash, apparently South Africans do not read. Authors sell 10 000 copies and throw celebratory parties. Here you are, reading. I am so proud of you! I recommend the following books. 1. Mzilikazi wa Afrika’s Nothing Left to Steal. 2. K Sello Duiker’s Thirteen Cents. 3. Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude.

Last word

If you read the biblical story of Abraham and stop just before he hears the pietistic voice that tells him to not kill his son you realise that we are dealing with a disturbed man. Before you get angry at me just put yourself in Isaac’s shoes for a minute. Your dad tells you God told him to kill you as a sacrifice, and he agrees. A cool dad is the chap who throws a bash for the chap who returned from self imposed exile, after claiming his inheritance before his father had kicked the bucket. I guess what I am trying to say is you must commemmorate #WorldAidsDay and expand your spirit of humaneness and non abuse beyond the #16DaysOfActivism.

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It is always crucial for angels to be punctual!

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A worthwhile cause. Di Te Ament!

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